Schizophrenia - Why Is It Not Me
The You Tube Videos found on this website very simply explain Paranoid Schizophrenia, SchizoAffective Disorders and provide educational videos from Doctors and Psychologists on howthe brain circuitry of a schizophrenic is laid out.
Very Simply Stated it is Sensory Overloaded caused by dopamine and serotonin receptors found in abundance in the Brain. As a Schizophrenic when you are around people, you are in a constant threat zone especially if you are a Paranoid Schizophrenic as I am diagnosed as, perceiving every glance directed at you as someone intentionally harming you. Most Schizophrenics are so overwhelmed by the fear that they wind up shutting themselves down in a room in a state of fear for weeks at a time till they feel that they can cope with their environment again.
How they feel causes their brain to manifest other fired emotional signals probably causing them to get intensely agitated, intensely hysteric or intensely withdrawn wanting to attack someone as a result of the threat and the uncontrollable fear they perceive.
From the day I was made to feel like I was stalked i.e. the day after my surgery in 2010, I never shut myself in a room or crawled into a hole. I did the opposite. I was out in the community each day living my life. Why was I not overloaded or overwhelmed with what I felt out in the community each day especially since my stalking experience at Walmart was perceived as an experience of an ill mind perceiving glances directed at me that was not intended to be there? Why did I not perceive the threat of glances directed at me and react to those glances each day otherwise, when I was up and about, going about living my day to day life? I spent my days around people for at least 5 hrs a day in the community. Why did I not experience any emotional outbursts as a result of threat perceived as I do on the inside of the home, when I am subject to outbursts of profanity, hysterical laughter or sheer garbage that is not even in my thought process blind shooting out of my mouth? The very absence of any intake reports in the community from 2010 to 2015 is proof of the fact that I did not experience any emotional outburst or any bizzare behavior in the community. When a woman like me experiences command hallucinations as stated in my ex-husband's affidavit, causing her to get intensely agitated, trashing objects around the house (as stated by ex-husband and never seen on any video recording) and screaming profanity, why is that not an overwhelming experience for her? When her brain is that out of control on the inside of the home, why is she in such control outside the home, especially when it is well established in the medical community that Schizophrenics cannot exercise self control. These Episodes are clearly very terrifying and traumatic so, Why am I able to get out into the community every single day right after experiencing that kind of fearful traumatic episode in the house for 12 years straight? When can I get out in the community each day, why do I not experience those command hallucinations outside the home and react negatively to it on the outside?
After challenging the legal system for 4 years straight from 2010 to 2014 as to why they do not see it on the outside in the community, I magically experience 3 explosive public episodes of screaming profanity in 2015. Why is that after close to 5 years of no public episodes do I experience 3 public episodes that were used right away to initiate a divorce proceeding? The timing seems uncanny.
Inspite of my entire world shattering in that instant I was able to put a smile on my face instead of going to pieces. When I consistently demonstrated that ability, I am then rendered as a woman with a flat affect - completely devoid of emotion rendering me to be a very serious grave threat to myself and others around me as I exhibit no feelings towards anyone. If my affect is that flat and I am so unable to feel, how then am I overloaded with such sensory stimuli on the inside of the home? Either my brain does not feel period rendering me catatonic or I am overloaded causing me to scream profanity, shake with rage, wave my hands in the air in a heightened state, sob when no one is watching ( as per ex-husband - again never seen on ant recordings), talk to imaginary friends and laugh hysterically. You can't be extremely agitated and hysterical and not feel. How does that even make any sense?
A moment of rage rendering a Schizophrenic buried in an institution for years after the sensory overload he experienced one day - The Hospital Always Wins
Isa's Story is that of a Schizophrenic who one fine day all of sudden out of the blue began experiencing that everyone around him was communicating to him and was so overwhelmed by it, that he had to shut himself in a room for weeks which is what most Schizophrenics do - They withdraw into isolation. During his period of isolation as he flips thru the channels he hears the FBI and the CIA talking to him thru these channels and finds himself talking back to them. He is so overwhelmed by the voices, he begins to get very agitated where no one is able to visit him as he winds up expressing his agitation by shouting at his visitors till they stop visiting him. One day after weeks of isolation, he is so overwhelmed by the rage inside of him, all he can see is pure evil in his mothers face, where he simply has to exercise that demon and he can only find reprieve when he has killed her.
Why do I not have those kind of moments after 12 years of experiencing such profanity and intense rages on the inside of the home? The pictures of my children on my website will show my girls faces filled with laughter and my dogs well taken care of. Why can I do it for 6 1/2 years as of early 2017 after living in constant threat each day that her children will be taken away from her, living in constant threat of physical abuse, living in constant threat of living like a maid cleaning poop, puke, pee off the floors while inhaling all the stenches and while being humiliated every sec of her life.
The Custody Evaluator Recommendation is that I get to see my girls thrice a year for Birthdays, Christmas and Easter in addition to 2 hrs of supervised visitation every other week, after disregarding how I was physically and emotionally abused, after disregarding how I was given no finances after the ex-husband somehow procured $100,000 to fight a fancy divorce proceeding while I had no lawyer. They also blatantly ignored his ability to procure brand new cars, vacations with the children 2-3 times a year, parents invited from abroad to give his children a family devoid of a mother, brand new spanking furniture and his purgered statements on the stand that ensured me of a mental health diagnosis so that he could have me thrown into some waste bin while he enjoyed all the luxuries of life.
She also disregarded that for a very loving and supportive husband, I was forced to live without resources, taken over in every way possible, forcibly committed in 2012, forcibly denied attorney representation, stolen of every cent - 70,000 jwellery, bank accounts frozen and drained since the committal in 2012, electronically harassed, constantly intimidated by law enforcement, constantly intimidated by social services rendering me as an unfit mother, every dream taken away from me , no resources to hire a lawyer, and take on the risk of having to represent myself like a competent lawyer as the law will make no excuses for me just because I do not have a law degree. Is that enough for a very normal healthy person to crack under the strain ? Why then is this overloaded mother still fighting? Why is she not cracking for such an ill brain?
Inspite of such intense strain why are my episodes till date isolated only to my home environment? Clearly stress is the number one activator of cognitive decline. While under such intense stress, I have done so much - I faced the medical community all by myself, procured multiple opinions stating that I am not Schizophrenic, represented myself in the court of law in multiple contexts ranging from divorce to committals to police intimidation, demonstrated my ability to do nothing but grow finances where my bank accounts clearly only speak the story of growth counter to how he alleged me to be manic irresponsible - -- why then does the day treatment center nor any other public place that I spend so much of my time at t not see any episodes?
When I challenged the legal system stating that the foundation of my case rests on heresay statements for which there has been no evidence provided till date, the abuse I endured was minimized. When I couldn't produce concrete evidence of the physical abuse I endured in the form of cuts and bruises, the abuse I endured was minimized as manifestations of my ill mind. When I showed the evaluators the financial abuse I had endured as a result of the takeover by the husband, it was minimized and perceived as the husband needed to take on more responsibility to show support for an ill wife.
My world prior to the take over of all accounts and insurance policies in the household was one where joint accounts co-existed and I managed it all and kept it that transparent, which also meant I had more freedom and complete insight into how funds were managed and dispersed. My world post takeover by him where he froze all the accounts was one where I had no insight into anything. How is that simply shifting responsibility over to a husband to take care of his ill wife and not a complete takeover, especially when I have no insight and no ability to contribute to any decision? I was reduced to a spousal support of 1/15th of what he earned. How is that support of such an ill wife?
When I challenged the legal system about the support I had received from my very loving husband in the form of questions such as 1) Why would a loving husband let maids go when he has an ill wife 2)Why would a loving husband ensure that an ill wife be forced to clean the poop, pee and puke in the household left behind by my dogs that were deliberately not trained - I got rendered as a woman who was just not able to comprehend the abuse I endured. When I questioned why a husband would want to wait 6 years before commencing a divorce proceeding to take the girls out my care especially when I was such a grave threat to lives around me, I got rendered as a woman who was truly incapable of recognizing the pain and emotion that my family went thru watching me cope with the intensity of my illness. When I questioned why such a loving husband would not video tape me and take it to a psychiatrist to comprehend why the illness is so isolated to just the house - I got rendered responses where the evaluators stated that the husband put in effort to comprehend my illness by attending 2 support sessions by NAMI.
Isn't it ironic that a man who lived in such fear every waking moment of his life attending 2 NAMI support sessions over the course of the 6 years of terror he lived to determine how he should cope with the fear his wife injected into him every waking moment of his life??
It will always boil down to a key unanswered question - Was I able to exercise that level of control inspite of the intense disappointment and trauma of my entire life - a life in which I had so many plans and dreams?? I was a high ranking paid professional who earned $ 200,000 a year who was the mother of 2 beautiful girls that she flaunted to the entire world. My entire life was taken away from me, why would I be subject to such intense episodes only on the inside of her home. The episodes on the inside of the home were as often as every 30 sec after being out of the home on all my appointments from 7:30 a.m. to 8:00 p.m. without episode. What kind of a brain is it where I can go the entire day on the outside in a public place without episode only to break into severe episodes the moment I turn the key into the lock of my apartment. That is not a Schizophrenic brain that is confirmed by many doctors post divorce initiation.
I was very recently as of mid 2016 at Bethesda at the John Hopkins Memorial Hospital participating in a research program that studied how the Alpha 7 nictoinn receptor binding in Schizophrenic brains functioned --- using blood tests, an MRI study, a spinal tap to study inflammatory biomarkers and a PET SCAN. The purpose of this research was to study how the brain circuitry lit up or how the signaling pathway worked in a Schizophrenic brain. I did not experience an episode of Psychosis come on inspite of the tests I went thru or inspite of the number of needles that were injected?
Why was I not overwhelmed by it all? I flew by myself, lived in hotels in a strange new city on my own, underwent procedures I had never experienced before such as a spinal tap all while under such extreme stress - How could I have not experienced an episode???
I participated in another study here at the University of Minnesota which comprised of interviews and cognitive testing using a computer. Schizophrenics can be overwhelmed by simple computer tasks especially when the brain has been exposed to psychosis for 6 years straight on a daily basis. I still could operate a computer and perform all day long tests on the computer for 2 days straight without episodes of profanity or hysterical laughter coming on while at home I cannot seem to not break out into episodes while crafting my legal documents for the court. I am alleged to have the ability to be able to exercise immense amounts of self control. Can a psychotic brain that exposed to prolonged periods of psychosis truly have the ability to exercise that level of control? What a contradiction? Either you have the ability to control the profanity or hysteria flying out of your mouth or you don't ? It doesn't work both ways. Either you have the ability to curb the impulse to not respond to the internal commands or internal stimuli or you don't. If you do have the ability to curb the impulse where you can tell yourself to not respond to the internal stimuli how ill are you? If you can, why then is profanity or laughter shooting out of your mouth?
I have an entire log to prove the number of medical appointments I made in the medical community in just 2016 alone trying to seek an answer to a simple question - Why does such an ill brain who is rapid cycling between such intense states of emotion of profanity, sobbing, prolonged hysteria, extreme agitation and rage, talking to everything in her environment as frequent as every 3 min or 30 sec where every episode can span seconds or minutes at a stretch then have the ability to exercise such control the moment she steps outside of the home?
Why would it not be a terrifying experience for me to walk into every meeting fully aware that if an episode comes on I will be committed? Why is not terrifying to me to be constantly aware that if I am committed that I may not receive the help and the representation that I should receive based on past experience in 2012? Why then does such a brain not fire an involuntary reaction on the outside of the home especially at any of these meetings after experiencing non stop chatter flowing out of my mouth as frequent as every 3 minutes or 30 seconds?